


bittersweet memories (that is all I'm taking with me)

by Ultron



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-02-26 02:30:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18714685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultron/pseuds/Ultron
Summary: "If it was the other way around and it was down to me to save your life, now you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it?"Of course he'd trusted her to do it, always had since then, but he'd never wanted it to actually come to that.He never wanted to lose her.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains spoilers for Avengers: Endgame.
> 
> I wasn't a fan of Natasha and Steve's endings. So I started this fix to them.
> 
> Title comes from the song "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton.

Bittersweet. That's the only way to describe their victory. So much regained, righted, yet so much lost. The world was still in shambles. Heavy memories would still reside in the minds of those who'd lived through the past 5 years. Tony Stark wouldn't be returning from this fight.

Neither would Natasha Romanoff.

Dying was a part of life; Steve Rogers knew that better than most. It was certain for all but truly inevitable for a hero. That's what both of them had been: heroes.

However, while they'd been able to give Tony a hero's sendoff, they hadn't even been able to give Natasha a properly funeral. Hell, they'd never even properly grieved her. 

Not until a few days ago. Steve had been helping clear up the wreckage of the facility when he'd come across a broken picture frame. Well, it surprisingly hadn't been broken until he'd stepped on it. 

The loud crunch underneath his boot instantly caught his attention. Moving off of it, he noticed it was the back of a picture frame. He gently flipped it over and saw that it was a picture that he'd seen in Natasha's room before.

Taken about 8 years ago ( _geez is that how long it's been since they'd all been together and happy?_ ), it showed Natasha at her birthday party that'd they'd held here. She sat in the middle, tucking her long red hair behind her ears as she blew out the candles. Clint's three children stood around her helping her blow. Wanda was in a chair beside them, Vision standing behind her. Laura sat in the one on her other side, her body turned toward Clint who was coming through a door in the back with plates and a cake cutter. Sam and Rhodey stood chatting in a corner.

Then, behind the camera, was Steve. He remembered that day...that moment. So much was going on; all the chatter, the laughter. However, to Steve, that was all background noise. Because at that moment, no one else truly existed but Natasha.

The candlelight reflecting in her eyes. The gentle grin on her face. Her teasing jab of "Are you sure you know how to work that, old man?"

It was the happiest he'd ever seen her. Surrounded by everyone she loved, enjoying the parts of life that often alluded them in their abnormal day-to-day.

He remembers Nathaniel asking her what she wished for. Then Wanda telling him that it was bad luck to say a wish out loud or it'd never come true. 

Natasha wasn't superstitious though. She scooped Nathaniel up and told him what she wished for. "More of this," she began. Then she'd looked directly at Steve, and, while she never actually said it, the look on her eyes said the rest, "Cause this is more than I deserve."

He squeezed the picture a little harder. Steve never understood why she couldn't see it: she'd wiped all the red from her ledger. Fighting aliens, closing the portal, exposing Hydra, evacuating Sokovia, leading the Avengers, mentoring Wanda, being there for Clint. It was Natasha who tried to keep them together. It was Natasha who carried on the 5 years after Thanos. It was Natasha who'd taught Steve how to take his own advice and let go of the past.

However, this wasn't something he think that could apply to. Because Natasha wasn't supposed to be in the past. Natasha had _earned_ her future and she deserved it.

With that thought he fell to the ground and pounded his fist into the Earth as he tried to fight back tears.

He'd been given a second chance but he'd give it up if it meant she could have hers. He should have been the one to go to Vormir. Nebula said she didn't know what exactly happened there but her sister never came back. Why didn't any of them realize that it was possible Thanos hadn't just murdered her but sacrificed her?

If he'd known it'd require a sacrifice he'd gladly have taken one for the team. He'd lived his life; most of Natasha's had been full of darkness so she deserved more of the better one she'd built.

"See you in a minute". Those had been her last words to him. That same grin on her face as she'd had at her birthday party. He knew that she, like the rest of them, was nervous but she was too strong to let it show.

He thought back to that day in Sam's house; the first time they'd been venerable with each other.

_"If it was the other way around and it was down to me to save your life, now you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it?"_

Of course he'd trusted her to do it, always had since then, but he'd never wanted it to actually come to that.

He never wanted to lose her.

That's when the sobs started racking his body. It'd finally hit him with full force. He'd lost her. He'd really, truly lost her.

No more smiles, no more teasing, no more looking around and seeing her by his side.

He'd give anything, anything to get her back. If only he had the power...

A thought crossed his mind, one that he knew was dangerous. Someone had to take the stones back. If the stone took her away...couldn't they bring her back?

He tried to shake the thought away. Playing with the stones was like playing with fire. You always get burned in the end.

But if it was for her...wouldn't he gladly walk into the flames?

*****

A day after Tony's funeral, Steve suited up again. With Bruce injured, Thor gone, and Clint reunited with his family, Steve had volunteered to take the stones back. Bruce, Clint, and Sam had argued with him (Bucky hadn't been too pleased but he knew too well than to argue with Steve) that someone should go with him but he declined. This was something he'd do on his own, risking no one else.

As Steve suited up, Bruce was preparing the machine. He looked rough with his arm in a sling and the burns on his face. A momento of having all the power in the universe, if only for a moment.

"You know I tried..." he suddenly began. It's then that Steve looked up at him. His huge green eyes were glossing over as if he was about to cry.

"When I had the gauntlet, the stones...I really tried to bring her back," he continued.

That's when Steve realized he was talking about Natasha. Bruce and her had been close. Not as close as he and Clint were to her but the two of them had still been friends and teammates and had once had feelings for each other (feelings Steve was still sure Bruce still harbored).

"I miss her."

The sadness was evident in the tone of his voice and Steve feels his heart breaking again. He wasn't the only one who lost Natasha; they all did. So he gave Bruce a sad smile. "Me too."

As he stepped onto the portal's platform, the thought he'd been conflicted about crossed his mind again. This time though there was no debate, no inner back and forth. He'd steeled his mind; there was no going back.

He was going to save Natasha Romanoff.


	2. I

With a swoosh, Steve was plummeted to another strange space land. Having just left Asgard then Morag, he'd felt there wasn't too much about this place that would shock him.

However, he'd soon find out he was wrong.

Clutching the last stone, the Soul Stone, in his fist, he began his trek up the mountain. He paused about half way up to take a breath. As he stood there, he couldn't help but look out at the horizon. Had it not been Natasha's final resting place, it'd be a beautiful site.

The feeling it invoked in him was the same as when he and Natasha stood looking at the sky over Sokovia. That was another moment he'd always remember. She'd been ready to sacrifice herself then as well. _"There are worse ways to go. Besides, where else am I gonna to get a view like this?"_

As he'd looked at her that day he'd thought the same thing. Even bloody and battered from the heat of battle Natasha was beautiful and it was that moment he realized he'd gladly die fighting alongside her.

Though the moment was a lifetime ago, that feeling never went away. In fact it only strengthened with each mission, each battle. Their days on the run together had allowed their bond to grow until finally he realized that she'd become his partner, his rock. Sam and Bucky were his friends, his best friends, but Natasha had become something more. Not a lover (though, he'd never admit it, there had been times when his eyes wandered to her lips and thought maybe...what if...) but certainly something more than a friend. She understood him in a way no one else could, trusted him in a way no one else had.

Her face flashed through his mind again, the light smile she wore when he'd visited her the night Scott appeared and brought them their hope. He'd told her that night that some people move on...but not them. The inability to let go had always been his flaw.

He stared back up the trail.

It still was.

*****

Going up the peak, he suddenly saw a floating figure in a hooded back cloak. This must be the "red guy" Clint had mentioned though he wasn't sure where Clint had gotten the "red" from.

"Hey!" he shouted and when the figure turned to him he was surprised at what he saw.

The Red Skull stood before him. Immediately, Steve went on the defensive.

"Captain Steven Rogers, son of Sarah Rogers," he began, "how surprising to find you here."

"That should be my line."

Red Skull showed no expression. "This is my punishment for seeking the stones. The Tesseract...it banished me here. Guiding others to a treasure I will never possess."

He then started up past a giant stone arch. "Come. I know what it is you seek but it is something you cannot possess."

Steve immediately felt his heart skip a beat at those words. This had been his one hope; would it not work?

He tried to push the thought to the back of his mind as he followed Red Skull through the arch. He noticed the huge ledge just past a pair of stone benches and the sick feeling returned. That had been the altar on which she'd sacrificed herself.

"Please sit."

Steve hesitated for a moment but then finally took a seat on the cold stone bench. His eyes keep drifting over to the ledge. He unconsciously squeezed the stone a little. _Natasha..._

"It won't work."

Steve's eyes immediately snapped back to Red Skull. He kept a steady expression but his eyes were filled with a million different emotions. "What do you mean?"

"You came for the woman and believe returning the stone will bring her back" - Steve winced a little as that had been exactly what he believed - "but it will not. Vormir exists out of time."

"What does that mean?" He attempted to keep his voice even but he was getting a little frantic. This is his last hope...to lose it...

Red Skull continued. "Vormir is on it's own plane of time. It's in every timeline and none. Whatever you try to do to change your past or your present or your future, it cannot affect what happened on Vormir. Thus, if you return the stone, you lose your victory. She sacrificed herself so her companion could get the stone. Would you really have her die twice?"

By now, Steve's drained. Of everything. Hope. Fight. Even tears. "No..." he whispered. A numbness washed over him. He'd never want her sacrifice to be in vain...but it still didn't mean he didn't want her back.

Steve stared down at the stone in his hand. Was this the last reminder of Natasha Romanoff he'd ever have?

"I understand-" began Red Skull and that's when an angry fire was lighted in Steve.

He jumped from his seat and stormed up to Red Skull. "You can't possibly understand what it's like to lose someone! To lose _everyone_!"

He gritted his teeth and could feel the stone pressing into his skin. He wished he'd kept Mjhonir now so he could beat that smug look off Red Skull's leathery face.

Red Skull didn't seem to find his outburst amusing. "Captain, Captain..." He began with a shake of his head. "Of course I do not understand that. I was going to say I understand what it's like to be punished."

Steve took a step back, confused. "Punished? The hell does that mean?"

"Perhaps this is your punishment, Captain," began Red Skull. "Losing those you love."

"Punishment for what?"

Red Skull's sick grin only grew bigger. "For the same thing as I: challenging nature itself! Look at Erskine, losing his country then his life! Look at Howard Stark, losing the love of those around him! Look at Peggy Carter, losing you and now her mind!"

Steve's body reacted before his brain. He swung his fist toward Red Skull only for it to pass through as Red Skull warped around behind him. Steve turned to face him, a fury burning in his eyes.

"Why do you think you're worthy of a second chance, Captain?! You're no more worthy than the woman who you want to bring back!" he spat.

"Natasha was more worthy than any of us!" Steve roared. "She gave up everything, _everything_ , for a chance, a _chance_ to save everyone who was lost! If anyone deserves a second chance at life it's Natasha!"

His voice broke as he felt hot tears welling up in his eyes. "I'd - I'd give anything to have her back."

The last bit of strength left him as he fell to the ground, clutching the stone tighter than ever.

_Anything...anything...just give her back._

Suddenly, a bright light erupted from the stone and began surrounding Steve. Even Red Skull had a look of shock on his face.

"What is this?"

From within the light surrounding him, Steve heard a faint voice. It was soft, familiar yet not. "You'll not lose the stone but you'll lose that which you love most." It makes the statement as if it's reading the weather.

"Will it bring her back?"

There was a slight pause. Then finally, "Yes."

"Will I lose someone else?"

Another slight pause. "No."

Steve took a deep breath. "That's all that matters then."

The voice said nothing else and the light finally swallowed Steve.

*****

He let out a gasp as he sprang up. He was not sure where he was but it was not Vormir. He was surrounded by water as far as the eye can see and the sky seems to be stuck in an eternal sunset.

Steve slowly pushed himself up and that's when he realized the stone was still in his hand. So the voice hadn't lied about that.

_Then maybe..._

Suddenly, he heard some splashing and immediately turned to it's source. That's when his heart soared.

A few get away, gazing at him with a confused look on her face, was Natasha Romanoff.

She looked exactly as she did when she'd looked at him before they headed off in the mission. _"See you in a minute."_

Not wanting to wait a second longer, Steve rushed toward her. There were a thousand things he wanted to say but the only thing that came out was "Natasha!"

As he got close to her, she suddenly held out her arm. Her Widow Bites were charged and ready to go. There was a cautious look on her face.

He slowed to a stop a few feet away from her, completely shocked by her reaction. "Natasha?"

She looked him straight in the eyes, her green ones locking with his blue.

"Who are you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, these last so have been a lot of set-up but now the plot begins! That you to everyone who left kudos or comments on the first chapter. It's those things that inspire me to write and that got this second chapter out so fast.
> 
> So, a few things I'd like to mention are that I don't know how taking the Soul Stone back would work. Some people I saw said in the comics you'd get the person back but the screenwriters said she was gone because they'd lose the stone so for angst purposes I just went with some made up bs that would help explain why she couldn't just come back.
> 
> I'm curious how Red Skull and Steve's reunion would be so I wanted to include that part in here. I can't honestly remember what all Vormir looked like and it's midnight so I was too lazy to look it up and get descriptive. Describing places is my weakest point.
> 
> So the whole "You have to give up something you love thing" always bothers me. Why do we always have to use death to be emotional? I think there are other things that are precious to people that could invoke strong emotior. If you've ever read Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles, you'll understand what I mean. In it, the protagonist is trying to save the girl he loves life and to do so he must let her lose all her memories of him. That actually causes a lot more emotional scenes than If she just died. If you didn't pick up on it at the end, that's what's happening here: Natasha's memories are gone.
> 
> Thank you all again for reading and giving feedback! It is much appreciated. Hopefully I can have the next chapter up in the next few weeks.


	3. II

"Who are you? How did you get to this world?"

At first, he thought it might be a joke. So, he let out a chuckle. "Very funny Natasha. I know it's been longer than a minute but surely you didn't forget me."

She didn't laugh though. Her gaze only sharpened. "Forget you? I've never met you."

At those four words, his heart stopped.

Looking into Natasha's eyes he knew this wasn't a joke. This wasn't one of her teasing quips. This was real. This was serious.

Natasha truly didn't recognize him.

"Natasha...it's me. Steve."

Her eyes only drilled deeper into him. "I don't know a Steve." 

"What...Natasha, we've known each other for years." 

"I don't know you," she began, firmly. "Now, answer my earlier question: how did you get here?"

But he ignored the question. "Natasha, we're Avengers together. We're partners. We're friends."

"No, we aren't!" she snarled. "Who even are you? How did you get here? What do you want?"

Now, the panic began to set in. He reached toward her. "Natasha listen to meeee-"

Suddenly, her Widow Bite is plunged into his neck and electricity shot through him, stunning him completely. As he dropped back into the water, the last thing he saw was Natasha's back as she walked away from him.

***

When he awoke, he was still laying in the water, a lingering pain washing over his body. He stared up at the pinkish-orange sky, trying to process all that happened. How could Natasha not remember him? _What happened?_

"You said anything."

Suddenly, the voice he heard before was back. It took a second to register where the sound was coming from before remembering the stone was still clenched in his hand. He gently opened his fist and the stone plopped into the water beside him.

"This is your anything," came the voice again.

"What? Her memories?" began Steve.

"Not exactly...do you know what you treasure most?"

Steve thought for a second. He treasured a lot of things. His friends back home but the voice said no one else would their life. His ability to be a hero but it didn't appear anything happened to him. Then, of course there was Natasha but it was her he was trying to bring back. How could he lose her and get her back at the same time?

"What you treasure most isn't just her being. It's your bond with her. It's deep. Complex. Built from years of rough times that you used to strengthen your trust. So, that's what I took by way of her memories of you."

"Just of me?"

The voice was silent for a moment. "Is this a problem?"

Steve slowly sat up and looked around. Natasha was nowhere in site but for the first time he noticed a gazebo like structure. "No; just wanted to know...where she stood."

"I could have made mention," the voice says nonchalantly, the first time it's portrayed any emotion. "I feel I should mention the rule."

"Rule?" began Steve as he scooped up the stone and rose to his feet. He was still a little unsteady but it's not like he could just lay there forever.

He felt small vibrations from the stone as the voice spoke. "The law of equivalent exchange required a soul for a soul. However, I saw that without her your soul is broken. It would never be worth her soul. That's why I took your bond, something you treasure more than your life. However, how fair would it be to those who've come before it you could just give her memories back once she returned with you? I'm all about fairness.

"If you try to get her to remember her old life with you...well let's just say the law of equivalent exchange will apply. This does not just apply to you. None of you are allowed to try and make her remember her true relationship with you."

"What if she remembers on her own?"

"She cannot. This magic is too powerful for that."

"What if she finds things that could remind her? Nothing we purposefully leave for her; just natural things she encounters?" He thought back to the photo he found. Though he wasn't in that one, he was sure there were others around.

"Again, the magic takes over. The memory will be erased and the image distorted. Only fair."

By now Steve was getting close enough to the structure to see Natasha sitting in it, her back to him.

"Right, only fair."

"One more thing for you to know: she does not know she died. Her memories end when her and her companion arrived. Though not against the rule to mention this it may lead to extremely difficult conversations."

Steve nodded. That clearly went without saying.

"Also, I wiped her memories of earlier. I felt it fair since I did not give you the rules. Though from here on there are no do-overs. Is this understood?"

"Understood," said Steve as he tucked the stone in his pocket and made his way to Natasha.

***  
She heard him right as he got to the edge of the structure. Hopping to her feet she prepared her Widow Bites again but this time he shouted, "Ms. Romanoff!"

As he stepped into the structure, hands up where she could see, she didn't lower her arm but her eyes looked more confused than threatening. "How do you know my name? Who are you? How'd you get here?"

"Ms. Romanoff, my name is Captain Steve Rogers. I'm a friend of Clint's. I'm here to take you back home."

Now more confusion was present in her eyes. "Clint's..." Her stance didn't change as she replaced the confusion with caution. "Prove it. What's his girlfriend's name?"

He's never been the greatest liar but... _Time to see if I've picked up any skills from her._

"It's Laura and she's his wife not his girlfriend. They live on a farm, upstate New York. They've got three beautiful children, the youngest of which I know is named after you."

Even this wasn't quite enough to convince her to totally let her guard down. "Okay, so maybe you do know him. When did the two of you meet? You've clearly had time to get close to him, to meet his family and I've known him for years but never seen you around."

Steve inwardly smiled to himself. He's glad to see he knows her well enough to know what questions she would ask so he has an answer prepared for her. 

"I never met them. He just talked about them when we ran into each other."

"Ran into each other? Where would you run into each other?"

"Mexico. Japan. A quick run in at JFK but we were going separate ways."

The first two locations clearly spark a train of thought in Natasha's mind. "What is it you do, Steve?"

He gave her a soft smile. "Well, I used to be a soldier but now...I guess I'm a counselor. After _it_ happened, I was lost. Started traveling the world just so I wouldn't be stuck in an empty house. On my travels I met a lot of people coping with loss...sometimes not in the healthiest ways.

"I met Clint in Mexico first. A bar outside Juarez. I'd stopped in for a quick rest before making my way back to the States. Clint was at the other end of the bar, nursing a beer and staring at a photo. Had his hood pulled up, looked like he wanted to be alone.

"I didn't say anything to him. He spoke to me first. Asked me if I thought it was fair that bad people lived while good people died."

Natasha's face dropped some and he knows she's thinking about Clint's time as Ronan. Finally, she lowered her arm and crossed them. "And what did you say?"

Steve lowered his arms as well. "Told him it's not fair...but we have to make the most of the hand we've been dealt. Then he asked me how to do that."

"How do you do that?"

"You have to move on, let go."

Natasha let out a snort. "Probably not the answer he was looking for."

Steve shook his head. "No it wasn't. He just laughed at me before heading out. Left his picture behind. Don't know why but I took it. Thought I might need it later. Turns out I did.

Met him again at JFK. He wasn't dressed as he was last time but I recognized him. I've always been good at remembering faces. I had the picture in my travel binder and just ran up to him. It took him a minute to recognize me. But once I gave him the picture, he remembered. Asked me if I had a minute to talk. We went to an airport bar for a quick drink. He asked me if I lost someone."

"Which shouldn't have been a question," said Natasha, somewhat sadly, "We all lost someone."

Steve stared at her for a moment then nodded. "That we did."

It was silent for a moment until Natasha spoke, a bit hesitantly. "...Who'd you lose?"

"Um...a special girl."

Natasha stared down at the ground for a moment. "I'm so sorry."

Steve shrugged. "Like you said...we all lost someone. That's when Clint told me all about who'd he'd lost. About how he was angry that they'd been taken away when evil people still existed.

"He said he'd thought about what I'd said before. About letting go, moving on. Starting over. Said he just didn't have it in him."

Another pained expression crossed Natasha's face but she only asked, "What about Japan?"

Steve continued, proud she was believing his story. "Ran into him in a hotel lobby. He was just coming in. Had a lot of bags; looked like he was on a mission. I was heading out. We had a drink together. Asked me if he thought his family would forgive him if they knew what he'd become...I told him we've all done bad things for what we thought were good reasons. The people who love us will always forgive us; it's more about if we can forgive ourselves."

He knew that'd been a big part of Natasha's reason for sacrificing herself: feeling it was the only way to wipe the red from her ledger. Oh, the nights he laid awake after her sacrifice just wanting to hug her and tell her all the ways she'd already wiped it all away.

It seemed like that line really hit her and he knows if she'd remembered him she'd be more open about it. But he's a stranger to her now...the thought made his heart ache but he pushed it away. Now wasn't the time to think of what he lost. Now was the time to bring what he'd got back home.

"Are you ready to go back, Ms. Romanoff?"

At that Natasha's back on the defensive again. "Here's another question for you Captain: why'd they send you to get me? Why not Clint?"

Steve smiled; this had been what he'd been waiting to tell her the whole time. "Well, I wanted to help. Felt I hadn't done enough. And it only seemed right to give Clint time to reunite with his family."

Immediately, Natasha's eyes go wide. "His family...?"

"Yep...it's over. We won."

There are few times that Steve's seen Natasha overcome with emotion and never had he seen her this overcome. She put her hand over her mouth but even that couldn't stop her soft sobs of joy and relief. 

"We...won?" She said it as if she needs to hear it again before she can accept it's real. 

He nodded as he approached her. "That's why it's time to go home, Ms. Romanoff."

"Of course," began Natasha with a wipe of her eye. Then she looked around a moment. "How are we supposed to that? This isn't Vormir. I'm not actually sure where this is...or how I got here. I just remember the arrival..."

"Only one person can have the stone," he began, reciting the story he concocted to explain this. Natasha looked at him confused as he continued. "That's what Clint said the red guy said. He said one of you would be cursed to remain here so long as the stone was gone. You took that on, Ms. Romanoff. You made that sacrifice for the chance at victory. And we won. Because of you."

With that, he activated his suit and typed in the coordinates. "I gave him the stone back and he said you could go."

He then held his hand out to her. 

"So, let's go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got a lot longer than I thought. But I wanted to find a way to get Natasha to go with someone she didn't know in a way that made sense. Natasha isn't the kind of person to trust some random dude who just shows up and says I'm here to take you home. So I had Steve have to figure out a story she'd believe. Personally I think Steve was probably an okay liar; I mean he took the enlistment test 5 times and wasn't caught. But he probably picked up some skills from Natasha over their years together on the run.
> 
> Anyway now we move on to life back on earth. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter in a few weeks. Thanks for all the feedback! Your comments and kudos help me stay motivated to write and I appreciate every one!


	4. III

Sitting in the front seat of the truck Natasha couldn't help but replay the events that lead to this moment in her head.

It'd all started when he'd arrived to take her back.

Though she remained somewhat wary of Captain Rogers, as she would with any person she'd just met, he hadn't given her any reason to totally distrust him. Clearly from the suit he now wore he'd met with the Avengers and they'd been the ones to send him there. If they trusted him so could she for the most part.

Plus he'd just given her the best news she'd ever heard: they'd won.

So, she took the hand he offered as her suit formed around her. He input their coordinates into the pad on her arm and then did the same on his own.

"Ready Ms. Romanoff?" he asked, staring her straight in her eyes.

She nodded, a giddiness filling her as she thinks about the world that's now waiting for her. "Absolutely."

With that their masks came on and off they went through the Quantum Realm.

***

When they arrived, Natasha was standing on the platform, next to a lake. _Tony's?_ She wasn't sure why they were here and not in the facility but she was sure that could be answered shortly.

Her suit dissipated and she squinted as the sun hit her face. The sky was cloudless and though it'd only been a few days at most (she assumed) it felt like the first time in forever that she felt that warmth. She took a deep breath, trying to absorb as much of this moment as possible.

"Natasha...?"

At the sound of a voice, she turned around and saw four people standing around the platform: Clint, Bruce, Sam, Bucky. All of them were looking at her with stunned expressions. It was as if they'd seen a ghost.

"What?" she began, a bit of a playful tone in her voice. "No one's happy to see m-"

Suddenly, she felt a strong wave on nausea wash over her. Then, in an instant, her head was pounding, her body was too hot, everywhere _hurt_. She let out a pained whimper as she struggled to keep her balance. Then, as if the platform itself moved from underneath her, she stumbled over the side and fell to the ground.

Shouts of "Natasha!" rang out as her vision began to blur. Clint and Bruce were running toward her but the last thing she saw was the concerned face of Captain Rogers as he knelt down beside her.

***

When Natasha awoke the first time it was to the sound of her whispered name. She opened her heavy lidded eyes and stared up at an unfamiliar ceiling. That's when She realized she was in an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar house wearing unfamiliar pajamas with an IV in her arm and some monitors beside her. She tried to turn her head to survey the room but each movement sent a dull pain through her. With some effort, she managed to get it to where she could see through her cracked door. That's when she realized the unfamiliar place must have been Tony's house.

She could see Clint, Bruce, and Pepper standing around Captain Rogers who had his back to her. He was talking but she couldn't make out what all he was saying. She recognized words like her name, 'stone', 'back'. She assumed he was recapping how he got her back though she wasn't sure why everyone was reacting the way they were.

Clint placed his hand on the captain's shoulder in a comforting motion, Pepper put her hand to her mouth as if she was about to cry, and Bruce glancef over at her door with a sad look on his face.

Before Natasha had any time to really process this, her body reached it's limit and she drifted back off to sleep.

***

The second time she woke up Clint was asleep in the chair by her bed. It was clearly the middle of the night as the only light in the room was the moonlight flooding in from the window.

Natasha still felt a pain running all over her body but she didn't want to wake Clint over it. Not that he looked like he was having a particularly peaceful sleep. His hands kept twitching and his face appeared to be contorted in pain. It was clearly a nightmare, likely something from the past 5 years as she never remembered him having nightmares before.

She lied there another moment just staring at him. When they were together she'd love to just watch him as he slept. The rise and fall of his chest, his bed ruffled hair, the slight twitch of his muscles. There was something memorizing about all of it. Maybe it was the fact she wasn't looking at him as an assassin would, as she had with most other men. Maybe it was the fact that he'd actually stayed long enough for her to look.

She smiled to herself as she thought about Clint looking at Laura like that. Just watching her, admiring her. Trying to capture ever piece of her in the hopes of never losing her again.

As she was lost in her thoughts, Natasha hadn't noticed the door slightly creak open. However, the soft whisper of 'How are you feeling?' caught her attention.

She turned toward the door and noticed Captain Rogers poking his head in.

She was honestly surprised to still see him there; he'd done his mission so what not go home?

Still she motioned him in, staying silent by not as silent as he had. "Clint's become a heavier sleeper since retirement. I don't think you'll wake him."

At that he smiled. "Take it heavy sleeping isn't really your thing no matter how safe the situation?"

Natasha shrugged. "Old habits die hard."

By now he'd made his way around her bed and was standing by her side. She watched as the moonlight have his blond hair and blue eyes an ethereal glow. Almost like this was a haunted house and he was a ghost visiting her.

"You can take a seat," she began as she motioned to the foot of her bed. She started to move more to the side but the motion sent a sharp pain through her and she let out a hiss.

Immediately he was leaned down by her, his hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Natasha wanted to nod but everything was hurting again so she just whimpered gave a small shake of her head.

"I'll go get Dr. Banner. He set everything up from some old stuff Tony had when he was recovering so he should be able to help."

She started to nod but another shot of pain burst through her and she suddenly grabbed on the captain's arm as she let out a scream.

That was enough to wake Clint. "What's going on?" he asked, clearly concerned as he surveyed the scene in front of him.

"Go get Dr. Banner," began Captain Rogers. "She's in a lot of pain."

"On it," began Clint as he sprung from the chair. Natasha watched him go and wanted to call him back. There were few times she'd ever been scared but now was one and she didn't want to be alone. Clint should be who she was holding on to but yet she couldn't let Captain Rogers go.

She stared up at his blue eyes again. There was concern visible in them and he gave her a weak smile. "It's okay Nata- Ms. Romanoff. It'll all be okay."

Oddly enough she found comfort in his words which she usually never found in anyone's but her longtime companions. Feeling it from a stranger was new to her and she wasn't sure if she liked or disliked it.

Again, there was no time to process any of her feelings as Bruce came bursting through the door. She could hear mumbling of 'pain level', 'sedative', 'rest' but she wasn't paying it too much attention. To keep her thoughts away from the pain she was only focusing on Captain Rogers's eyes, the feel of his breath against her face, the way his mouth just barely portrayed his discomfort as her nails dug into his flesh.

These were Natasha's last thoughts before the sedative took hold and she crashed back into sleep.

***

After another two days, which Natasha mostly slept through other than the occasional meal, they decided to move her to Clint's farm house to recover.

Pepper insisted they could stay as long as they needed but Natasha could tell she probably would appreciate no longer having guests. Natasha had been surprised to learn about Tony (on one of Dr actually lucid days, she tried to catch up on all that'd happened with Ckintr) and she had to admit she'd miss him. She could only imagine how his loss was truly affecting Pepper and Morgan. You always had to put on a face when grieving in front of others. It was time to give them time to grieve alone.

"Thank you for everything, Pepper," began Natasha as she handed Natasha another set of clothes. She hated to take Pepper's clothes but Pepper insisted and it was much better than her catsuit.

Then unexpectedly Pepper pulled Natasha into a hug. "Thank for for everything you did Natasha," she began. "I know Tony appreciated it to..."

As she trailed off, she pulled away and gave Natasha a look she couldn't read. It was as if there was sadness mixed with jealousy mixed with joy mixed with pity. It was a strange look but before Natasha could question it, Captain Rogers appeared at the door.

"All set?" he asked though it was evident from the fact she was still in a pair of Pepper's pajamas that she wasn't.

"Just need to change," began Natasha , "I'll be out in a few."

He just nodded to her and made his way out of her door frame. Pepper followed suit and that left Natasha alone with her thoughts.

She didn't mind going to Clint's house to recover; she actually welcomed it as spending time with his family always put her in a good mood. What she was curious about was why Captain Rogers was the one taking her.

Clint said his truck was full helping Bruce transport the equipment back to his lab at the university and that Captain Rogers would take her to the farmhouse. She hadn't argued this but it still surprised her. It was clear everyone trusted him, treated him as if he'd been part of the team forever. She wanted to know what it was about him that did this.

She'd only been awake during his watch once the last two days and she'd really just taken the time to apologize for the marks she'd left on his arm.

"I'll just say they're from battle," he said with a grin.

She smiled, something she found was easy to do around him. "Well not many men get marked by the Black Widow and live. Though usually those marks are from electrically charged gauntlets."

"Good thing I didn't have to deal with those," he said with an awkward chuckle as he rubbed his neck. That's when she noticed a dark red mark peeking out from under his collar.

"Oh, your 'special girl' give you that?" she asked pointing at the red spot, her teasing tone at a maximum.

He flushed red and she grinned at his embarrassment. "Not in the way you think."

Then there was a silence for a moment before Natasha spoke. "She must be a lucky girl."

At that he shook his head. "No, I'm the lucky one. I don't know that I'd be here without her."

He was still smiling but now it was a sad one, like he was thinking of something so bittersweet it hurt and healed him at the same time.

Natasha suddenly felt the urge to comfort him but she wasn't sure why. He was a stranger; She shouldn't feel so at ease with him whether the others trusted him or not. Maybe she was getting soft.

She opened her mouth to say something but then Pepper came through the door. "Natasha, I've got your bath ready."

With that Steve rose from the chair, a little too quickly. "She's all yours, Pepper." He gave her one last glance before heading out the door.

***

That was the last interaction she'd had with him before today and that was what was running through her mind as she stared over at him. His eyes remained locked on the road but she could tell from the slight crease in his brow and the extra pressure he was holding the wheel with that he was anxious about something.

She didn't beat around the bush with him. "Are you nervous, Captain?"

He didn't take his eyes off the road but she noticed him try to relax. "Why do you think that?"

She didn't answer that but instead kicked her feet up on the dash and gave him another question. "Is it because you're meeting his family for the first time or that you're meeting them knowing something they don't?"

This drew his attention to her. He turned to look at her and for a second she swore she saw a flash of sadness in his eyes. If she did it was gone as fast as it appeared so she chalked it up to nothing. "What would I know about that they don't?"

"His time as Ronin." Natasha said it like it was obvious. Her and Clint had briefly discussed it when they were talking about her staying there. He hadn't shared it with Laura yet and would never share it with his kids. Natasha didn't blame him. She'd be the same way.

Captain Rogers seemed surprised by this though. "He wouldn't tell Laura?"

Natasha gave him a sarcastic chuckle as she rolled her head to look back at the road. "Yeah, everyone really wants to share their dark pasts."

"Speaking from experience." It's said as a statement not a question and this draws her attention back to him. "Maybe you just haven't found the right person to share it with. "

Then he's gave her a look that she couldn't quite understand. Something that made her feel like he wasn't trying to figure her out but like he knew her. One of deep understanding. And something about it made a warmth run over her.

She quickly snapped her gaze away from his and he returned his eyes to the road. Maybe it came from being a counselor. Having to look at someone like they're an open book even though you don't really understand what you're reading.

They spent the rest of the ride in silence, one that was not entirely uncomfortable. Maybe it was just something about his personality that made him so trustworthy, so easy to be around. Perhaps it was another thing that came with his job.

***

As they pulled into Clint's drive, Natasha felt most of her weariness wash away. Oddly, the little farm made her feel more at home than Russia or the city or perhaps even the Avengers facility ever did. Maybe it was because she could always be just "Aunt Natasha" here. Not the Black Widow. Not Agent Romanoff. Just Natasha.

She didn't realize the smile she now wore could get any bigger until she saw Laura and the kids shuffle onto the porch. They were all waving as Captain Rogers put the truck into park.

"I'll help you to the house."

Before she could protest, he was out of the truck and coming around to open the door. When he did, he held his hand out to her, ready to help her out. Part of her wanted to refuse but she knew she's too weak to put up much of a fight.

So she took his hand and he gently wrapped his arm around her back to help her out. Something in the gesture seemed oddly familiar but that's likely her brain playing tricks on her. No one's ever been gentle with the Black Widow.

He kept his arm around her for support as they made their way up the porch. Then once she was leaning against the railing, he let her go and stepped to the side.

"No hugs for your Aunt Natasha?" she began but all of them were looking at her like she was a glass statue.

"Mommy said you were hurt," began Nathaniel.

Natasha glanced at Laura who noded. "I did tell them to not dog pile you like usual since you're still recovering."

Natasha smiled at them. "Well, they say hugs are the best medicine." She opened her arms to them and they smiled as they pull her into a hug. It did hurt her aching muscles a bit but it was worth it.

When they let go, Laura pulled her into one as well. "It's so good to see you, Natasha."

"You too, Laura."

"Well I see no one invited me to this hug fest."

Natasha turned around and saw Clint walking up to the porch. She gave him a grin. "I'd hate for all your ink to rub off on this white shirt."

He playfully swatted her as he went to stand behind his wife. "Be glad your recovering or that would warrant an ass kicking."

Laura turned and smacked his arm. "Clint, language."

That elicited a laugh from all of them and only furthered Natasha's good mood.

"Well," began Captain Rogers, drawing there attention to him. "I best be off."

"Oh right," began Clint as if he just remembered something. "Everyone this is Steve Rogers. Steve, this is my family."

They all waved and said hello, politely. Then Laura added, "Thank you for all do did for Clint."

Clint and Steve looked at each other as if exchanging some secret then he nodded at her. "You're welcome. He spoke of you all often so it's nice to meet you."

He then turned to Natasha. "Ms. Romanoff, I hope you get well soon."

She gave him a soft smile. "Thank you, Captain."

Before he could turn to go, Laura grabbed his arm. He's surprised by this but waited to see what she said. "Captain, why don't you stay for dinner? We've got plenty and it's be a nice repayment for all you've done."

Steve looked back at Clint and Natasha swore she saw a little bit of confusion and fear in his eyes. Maybe he didn't want to stick around in case the Ronin stuff came up. But Clint nodded in approval and Steve looked back at Laura.

"I'd, uh, love to stay for dinner."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to try and start alternating the point of view between Steve and Natasha like I've done in my two other Romanogers chapter fics. Hopefully you all enjoyed it. Also, I know that they're not by Tony's lake when using the portal but I needed a place for Natasha to stay so I moved it. Apologies for the delay; my work is getting busy with budgets so I'd expect any new chapters to be posted sporadically over the next little bit. Thanks to everyone who commented and have kudos! It means a lot and keeps me motivated to write. =)


	5. IV

As Steve sat there eating the dinner Laura had prepared he could only think of one thing: this wasn't the plan.

The plan was that he'd take Natasha here, say his goodbyes, then leave her life for good (not that he'd told Clint that last part of course). Honestly, he hadn't been the one to want to bring her but Clint insisted. Maybe he saw all the sad longing looks he'd been giving her and thought it best to give them some time alone together.

Though time alone together was specifically what Steve had been trying to avoid. He was afraid being alone with her would cause him to slip up and reveal something he shouldn't. Like how he'd almost called her Natasha the night she got sick.

Watching her hurt had been the hardest part because he just wanted to pull her into his arms and let her know that eventually the pain would go away. At least that's what the stone had told him when he asked why she was sick.

"She was dead," it began. "The body knows this but is trying to readjust. Pain is a small price for a new life, wouldn't you say?"

"I thought I already paid the price," he hissed, making sure no one could hear.

"You paid the price to get her back. Technically I could have given you a hollow shell. No, this is fair to have her back and in tact. She slowly recovers to her old self through some pain and then the price is paid in full."

He was getting tired of the stone telling him what was 'fair' but he didn't who argue with it. Not since it was the reason Natasha was back.

He glanced out of the corner of his eye at her. She sat beside him, slowly munching on a roll as she listened to Laura talk about all the redecorating that she had planned.

"After five years, I guess it's time for a change even if it doesn't feel like it's been that long," she began. She then looked over at Steve. "Don't you agree, Captain?"

Laura was doing a great job acting like he was someone new. Clint had made sure to tell all of them that they had to pretend they'd never met Steve and to not bring up Captain America. They hadn't asked why and it's not like Clint could really say anyway.

Steve had explained what he could to Clint, Pepper, and Bruce. He told them that he had to pay a price to get her back: the stone and her memories of him. He knew it wasn't good to lie but he couldn't bring himself to tell them that he still had the stone and that he was so broken over her that his life hadn't been worth anything. Because he'd definitely had given that to get her back if he could've.

He explained that she couldn't ever know about who he really was and for everyone to treat him as a stranger. They hadn't argued with this. Then he'd explained the story he concocted so everyone knew what Natasha knew.

So far everything had been going well though he'd wish that Laura hadn't been such a nice host. Dinner hadn't been part of his and Clint's plan but Clint had been okay with it so Steve played along. Though now he was nervous again as she brought the attention back to him.

He could feel Natasha's eyes on him as he stared at Laura. She gave him an encouraging nod as if to say he needed to just relax.

"Definitely. Sometimes things just need a fresh start."

The words stung as he thought of Natasha but he quickly composed himself.

"Clint will definitely be keeping busy once I'm done with my list," began Laura as she smiled over at her husband.

Clint smiled back at her and Steve couldn't help but be a little envious of the loving looks in both their eyes. "Whatever you want, honey. I'd do anything for you."

He leaned over to give her a kiss which elicited a chorus of 'ewws' from their children. They both let out a laugh. "There's nothing gross about me kissing your mother." began Clint. "Why don't you three head off to bed anyway?"

The kids mumbled their agreement and after hugging their parents and Natasha and waving to Steve they headed upstairs. After a moment of silence, Clint stood up and said "I'll get us some after dinner beers."

Laura quickly grabbed him. "Clint, I don't think Natasha should drink and I'm not really up for it either. Plus don't we have some things to discuss with Natasha and the Captain?"

Steve looked at Clint confused as he didn't know what was left to discuss. Natasha too appeared curious. Clint just nodded to his wife and sat down, turning to Steve and Natasha.

"Captain, we've got a big favor to ask. Natasha's going to be out in the guest house but we don't want her to be alone while recovering and I could use a little help around here and we were thinking If you had a few days free you could...stay?"

At this Steve and Natasha are both shocked. This definitely wasn't part of the plan. Part of him wanted to ask Clint and Laura why they thought this was okay. Part of him wanted to thank them for doing it. Part of him wanted to run out the door. Part of him wanted to immediately say yes.

Instead, he shifted a little awkwardly in his seat. "I don't know...I'd hate to intrude."

"No intrusion at all," began Laura. "We'd appreciate the help."

Then, before he realized it, he turned to Natasha. She had an eyebrow raised at him, wondering what exactly he was about to do. "Are you okay with it?"

Natasha's eyes flashed with surprise but then she just waved him off with her hand. "I don't care what you all decide. I'm tired so whatever gets me to my bed faster."

He turned back to Clint and Laura. The rational part of his brain said to leave her, to never look back and let her move on. The emotional part though was _begging_ for all the time he could get with her.

So, rationality be damned, he said, "Sure, I can stay."

***

Clint's guest house was small but cozy. Decorated as one would expect a littler version of a farm house to be, Steve couldn't help but have a new understanding of why Clint loved this place.

"You'll be over here, Captain."

Clint was putting sheets on the couch as Laura shuffled Natasha into her bedroom. Steve walked over to him and tried to help. "Did you and Laura plan this?" He wasn't mad when he said it, just curious.

Clint shook his head. "All her idea. She said she could tell you don't really want to leave Natasha's side."

"Woman's intuition?"

Clint shrugged. "Maybe or maybe she just knows I'd be the same way if it were her. It's not easy to leave the one you love."

Clint said the words so casually that Steve's heart skipped a beat. "L-Love?" he began. " I'm not in love with Natasha. I mean I do lo-er-care for her but it's not the kind of love you and Laura have."

Clint nodded. "You're right. It's stronger."

Steve was extremely shocked now as Clint looked up at him. "Don't looked so surprised. I love Laura with all my heart but the way you love Natasha...it's something else. I don't know if I could do what you did. If I could live in a world where Laura didn't know me. Where she'd lost all those memories of us. The same memories which were all that kept me going."

Clint stared down at his hands and Steve knew he was thinking about his time as Ronin. Before Steve could say anything, Laura and a pajama clad Natasha walked into the room. Her hair was wet so Steve assumed Laura helped her with her bath.

"All done in here, boys?"

Clint nodded. "Yep," Then he turned to Steve. "Captain it's not the softest couch but I'm sure you've slept on worse."

Steve nodded and then shook Clint's hand. "It's fine. Thank you for everything."

"Keep an eye on her," began Clint but the look he gave him was saying a whole lot more.

"I will."

With that Clint and Laura headed out, leaving Steve and Natasha standing there alone. Neither said anything for a moment until Natasha decided to break the awkward silence. "Sorry about this."

Steve's surprised by this. "Sorry? Why?"

"I'm sure you'd rather be back home instead of babysitting me. Maybe you'd be enjoying a night with your special girl."

_I am._ He obviously couldn't say that though so he just sighed. "We're...not together anymore."

Natasha seemed surprised by this. "Really?"

He nodded. "It was...mutual. There's something really hard about having lived through five long years without someone and then having them come back like it was yesterday. It's like I knew something she didn't. Like...I was lying to her all the time. Like I was having to be a different person all the time."

"Terrible way to live," she began after a moment silence.

"Speaking from experience," he said, with a sad smile.

Natasha didn't respond; she just gave him a little wave as she turned toward her room. "Goodnight Captain Rogers."

_Captain Rogers._ It stung each time she said it but he knew better than to let it get to him. "Goodnight, Ms. Romanoff."

She paused at the door then turned around, a soft smile on her face. "Natasha."

He smiled back at her.

"Steve."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days?! Yeah, don't expect this again but I just got so fueled to write another. =) Also, I type everything on Notepad on my tablet so I apologize for any mistakes I've let slip by.


	6. V

Natasha decided she'd found her new favorite hobby: sitting on the porch and drinking coffee with Laura while they watched Clint and Captain-no- _Steve_ work.

She'd stumbled into the routine by accident. Normally, Natasha was an early riser but as she was recovering that had changed. She didn't wake up until eight her first morning there.

Part of her wondered why she even felt she had to get up early anymore. Used to there was work to be done but now...the world was at peace, wasn't it? If Natasha didn't want to get up, she didn't have to.

Of course, rising early was a hard habit to break. So, Natasha could no longer fight the part of her brain saying that she stayed in bed too long.

She slowly made her way out of her bed and slipped on the house shoes that Laura had left her. The pain lingered; her muscles ached, though dull, and everything felt heavy. Still Natasha couldn't take another day in bed. She had to do _something_.

She opened the door carefully, wondering if Steve was awake yet. When she glanced over at the couch though all she saw was his neatly folded sheets laying in a perfect like at the end of the couch. She wondered if that was a habit he'd gotten from his soldier days.

_I wonder where he went..._ When Natasha stepped out onto the porch she got her answer. In front of her, Steve and Clint were crossing the yard and Natasha couldn't help but stare.

Steve was carrying about ten planks of wood with one arm and not even breaking a sweat. That she could see because she couldn't keep her eyes off the tight fitting white tank he wore. It had to have been Clint's since she realized he hadn't brought anything with him.

He must've caught her staring because he sent a smile and a wave her way. Oddly, she found herself returning it.

Clint noticed her as well. "Hey," he began, "Laura's got some breakfast ready. If you're not too tired, sleepyhead."

Natasha flipped him the bird which Clint happily returned before him and Steve headed off toward the shed. Natasha then started toward the house.

When she stepped in she was immediately overcome by the delicious smells coming from the kitchen. She made her way in and saw Laura sitting at the table, drinking coffee with a plate of pancakes in front of her.

Laura's eyes lit up when she saw her and immediately hopped up from her chair. "Hey! How are you feeling this morning?"

"I'm okay. I slept better than I had in a long time." Natasha made her way to the cabinet to get a mug. "I shouldn't waste the day though so it's time for some fuel."

Laura came up beside her and gently placed her hand on her shoulder. Natasha turned to look at her and saw a soft expression on her face. "Natasha, you need to take it easy. After everything...you've earned it."

Then Laura suddenly looked like she was about to cry. She pulled Natasha into a hug. "Thank you so much Natasha for all you did."

Natasha wasn't sure what exactly to say but she still returned the hug. Laura had always been so good and welcoming to her. "I should be thanking you."

Laura pulled away with a giggle and patted her eyes. "Well, how about we get you some breakfast and go sit on the porch? The kids won't be up for another hour and Clint and Captain Rogers already ate."

Natasha couldn't refuse and watched as Laura stacked her up some pancakes on a plate. The two made their way to the two chairs on the porch and as Natasha sat down she noticed she had a great view of Steve and Clint working on the shed.

"This is my favorite thing to do in the morning," began Laura.

"Mmm?" asked Natasha through her mouthful of pancakes.

"Sitting here in the mornings watching Clint work. It's a good view. Guess we have another good view now, don't we?"

Natasha watched Steve climbing up the ladder. For some reason, she felt a flush creep across her cheeks as she watched him and she quickly turned her eyes back to her pancakes. "Yeah, I guess we do."

That was three days ago and Natasha's mornings had pretty much gone the same way. Steve and Clint had been making some progress on the shed and every now and then he'd catch her eye and wave.

While Steve had been helping Clint outside for the past three days, Natasha had taken to helping Laura inside the house. At first Laura told her to just take it easy but Natasha was restless and tired of have spent so much time just sleeping and eating. So, Natasha helped Laura clean until she wore herself out and then she would sit around and keep the kids occupied.

Today was going to be a little different though.

"Are you worried about your appointment today?" asked Laura from behind her coffee mug.

Today Natasha was going to a follow up appointment with Bruce and one of his colleagues at the university's medical center in the city. They told her that she was probably fine but the toll her body has taken had clearly been large and even if she felt healed they just wanted to confirm she was okay now.

Honestly, Natasha was a little worried. She'd had her fair share of tough recoveries but she'd always bounced back a lot quicker than this. Maybe there was something about being on another planet that just messed with your body more than you realized. _Damn space_.

Still Natasha was tough and she didn't feel like admitting her worries to Laura. So she simply shrugged. "It's gotta be done. Besides they think I'll be fine and it's mostly been just some aches so...no big deal."

Laura didn't look extremely convinced with that answer but didn't push it. Instead she changed the subject. "Nice of Captain Rogers to take you."

Natasha felt a little heat in her cheeks but she blamed it on the steam coming off her coffee. "Well, he said he needed to stop by his apartment anyway to pick up a few things since he's staying a little longer. It's no big deal."

Natasha didn't like the playful look in Laura's eyes but before the other woman could say anything else, out of the house walked a freshly showered Clint. He walked over to join Laura on the porch swing, giving her a kiss as he sat down.

Suddenly, a strange thought passed through Natasha's mind: she saw herself sitting there as Steve leaned down for a kiss.

The thought was so surprising that Natasha choked on her coffee which earned a smug look from Clint. "Does our loving married affection gross you out, Nat?"

"Y-Yeah it's disgusting," she teased after her coughing ended.

"You're just jealous," began Clint. "I know it's hard to get over me."

Natasha grinned. "Actually I'm jealous you got as great a lady as Laura. She's amazing to put up with you."

Laura laughed and blew Natasha a kiss as Clint gave her a look of fake shock. Natasha was laughing too until she watched Steve come out of the guest house.

He too was freshly showered, wearing his jeans and one of Clint's tees again. Having gone about a week without shaving he was getting some stubble. He told her that's when he realized he needed to get a few things though Natasha kind of wondered how he'd look with a beard.

He made his way up to the porch. "You ready?"

Natasha nodded as she stood up. "Yep."

"Make sure they take good care of her," began Clint, as they descended the stairs.

Steve nodded. "I will."

***

The ride to his apartment was mostly silence which was as comfortable as it as been the first time. Just the radio playing softly (she was surprised he was listening to an oldies station) and the two of them watching the road. Honestly, Natasha enjoyed how peaceful it was, how easy.

At one point, a song came on the radio that Natasha recognized and she couldn't help humming alone.

"Do you like this song?" he asked as he turned it up a notch.

Whitney Houston's voice rang out, "And I-I-I will always looooove youuuuu, will always love..."

Natasha blushed a little as she reached over and turned it back down. "I mean it's a classic; everyone just has to like it. The movie's a classic too."

"It's in a movie?"

Natasha swung around to look at him, shocked. "You've never seen The Bodyguard?"

Steve shook his head. "Nope, sorry. I'll add it to my list though."

"Your list?" asked Natasha, curious. "Didn't take you for an avid movie watcher."

"Didn't take you for someone who listens to love songs," he began with a grin and she couldn't help but playfully punch him in the arm. He let out a laugh and for some reason Natasha felt her heart surge a little hearing it.

Not wanting to think about the feeling, Natasha quickly changed the subject. "So you live with your friends?"

He nodded. "Yep, we all moved here after...it was just time to move. So, it's mostly just boxes right now. They're both out of town too so not much unpacking going on."

"It must be nice living with friends," she began. Her thoughts drifted to spending five years alone in the old facility. What she wouldn't have given to have had someone...Steve...

She cleared her throat, afraid he'd read her mind or something. "So, uh, did you live with your girl before...everything?"

Steve got quiet for a moment and she was afraid she'd stepped on a landmine. However, she watched a smile, albeit a sad one, appeared on his face. "We did...it was nice. I'd always see her up in morning, training. I liked standing there just admiring her until she caught me. Then we'd train together for bit. She always knew just how to take me down."

Natasha couldn't help the jealousy that welled up as he talked about the girl and she hated herself for it. What was there to be jealous about? It wasn't as if she wanted to have him watching her each morning, didn't want to try to go blow for blow against him until she pinned him to the ground and leaned in for a kiss...

"Are we close?" She changed the subject quickly again. Where was her head at today?! "I need to stretch."

"You're in luck," he began as he turned into a parking garage.

They found a spot and headed up to an apartment on the second floor. She watched as he dug around for a key in the pot and then followed him in.

He was right when he said that it was mostly just boxes. They littered most of the living room floor. Other than that a TV had been set up and a bookshelf sat there empty.

"I'll just take a second. Feel free to wander around and stretch your legs." With that Steve headed off to the bathroom.

Natasha stood there for a moment taking it in before she began making her way around. There were three bedrooms and as she peeped into them she noticed all the beds were made with a soldier's precision. He probably lived with old army buddies. She smiled; there are no better friends than those who went through something hard with you.

She was able to figure out which one was his from the boxes with "STEVE" written on them and she couldn't help but feel herself drawn in. It was the smallest of the rooms and just contained a dresser, a nightstand, a bed. The room was so empty that it wasn't hard for her to immediately notice a picture sitting on the nightstand.

Natasha began to approach it and realized it was a picture of a birthday party and a woman in the middle. _Probably his girl..._ Though as Natasha got closer she swore she saw...Laura? Clint? Hersel--

All of a sudden a pain shot through her head. It felt like someone was trying to rip her skull in half and she squeezed her eyes shut as if that would make it stop. Natasha stumbled forward into the nightstand as she grabbed her head. The picture fell with a thud and that must have been what brought Steve running in there.

Natasha had found her way to sit down on the bed but the sudden pain had shaken her. Everything was fine, she hadn't been hurting lately so why did it come back now?

She felt a little shaky as she ran her hands over her eyes. _You're okay, you're okay..._

Then all of a sudden she felt the bed shift with his weight and his hand rubbing her back. It was so comforting, so soft. It was something she hadn't felt...ever? 

She slowly opened her eyes and looked up at him. It was like looking into the sky except she could see the concern clouding in them. "You okay?"

She nodded. "Y-Yeah. It just...I didn't expect it. The pain."

It as then she noticed the picture on the floor. Hadn't she been trying to look at it? She couldn't remember now. All she could remember was feeling as if she'd had a thousand needles poking into her.

She leaned down, picked it off the floor, and stared at it a moment before handing it to him. "Sorry about the frame. Your girl is pretty though," she said to break the silence.

He took the photo and stared at it if it was his first time seeing it. Confusion waa as written all over his face. Maybe he'd forgot he'd left it out. Then he laid it back on the dresser. "It's okay; probably time to let it go anyway."

"You have a thing for blondes?" she asked to lighten the mood. The woman in the middle had had beautiful platinum blonde hair; she looked like a movie star.

He shrugged. "Red heads are more my type." Then he flashed her a smile as she couldn't help but blush. Was she just getting soft or did he have this power over all women?

She slowly rose from the bed, wiping her hands on her pants and trying not to look at him. "Did you, uh, get everything?"

He too rose and nodded. "I did. Guess we need to get over to your appointment."

Natasha cringed a little at the thought. Because after what just happened...what if she wasn't getting better?

_Don't think about that..._

"Yeah, let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got longer (not better haha) than I wanted so I'm breaking it into two. Enjoy!


	7. VI

Natasha wasn't the biggest fan of small spaces but normally she could deal as they were usually more annoying than scary. Being trapped in the MRI machine though was quite the opposite. Maybe it was the fact that lying there in a hospital gown with her face only inches away from the top of the machine she felt both trapped and exposed. Maybe it was that she hadn't been able to stop thinking about what happened back at the apartment. It was as if she'd went back to the night she returned. The sudden pain, the immediate fear...

A voice cut through her thoughts.

"Remember, just be still Ms. Romanoff and it will be over in a second," began Dr. Vaughn. She was Bruce's colleague at the university's medical center and the one who allowed them to bring her in for the appointment. They didn't tell her what exactly Natasha did; simply said she'd been involved in space travel recently.

"Feels like a long second," mumbled Natasha.

Dr. Vaughn laughed. "Okay, fair point. It will be more like 5400 seconds but I promise it will be over before you know it."

"Dr. Vaughn's right, Nat. Just relax," began Bruce.

Natasha wanted to comment on the irony of the guy who used to be The Hulk telling her to relax but decided to let it be. Bruce was there as support and she appreciated it.

"He probably should tell the same thing to your boyfriend. He was pacing the halls like you're about to die or something."

Just as Natasha was about to correct Dr. Vaughn, Steve's voice rang through. "I was just making a call. Natasha, are you okay in there?"

Natasha didn't know what to say as her mind was too busy wondering how long he'd been in the room. Had he been in there when Dr. Vaughn had called him her boyfriend? If so, why hadn't he corrected her?

_A better question is why do you care? You're acting like a teenager. You have bigger things to worry about like not dying. Get it together Natasha. Yeah, he's an attractive nice guy but you barely know him._

Natasha blamed a lot of her current state on being basically alone for 5 years...maybe she was just developing feelings for him because he was simply _around_. 

Just as she decided that was it, Steve asked again. "Natasha, are you okay?"

"Yep," she responded as she stared at the top of the machine, glad for her new revelation. "Never better."

***

Natasha spent the rest of the day having more tests done. By the end of it she said she was certain they probably had enough information on her to clone her if they wanted. Dr. Vaughn had got a kick out of the joke but Steve and Bruce hadn't responded.

In fact the two of them had been strangely quiet after she'd finished her test with Bruce to look for any signs of radioactive exposure what with her having been in space for so long.

As Natasha finished redressing, she heard their voices from the other side of the door.

"Bruce...mean? She's...has to be...was a lot but can't..."

"Come in...talk..."

Natasha froze. Were they talking about one of her tests? She made her way to the door and gently opened it. They must have moved from the hallway to one of the empty rooms. She carefully slid her way down the hall until she heard them again.

"Steve, I'm as worried as you are but we can't tell her until I know more about the effects. This is different than space radiation. I can't be sure what it will do to her. Maybe nothing but maybe cancer, poisoning...she might end up with something like The Hulk...she might d-"

"Don't say that." Steve's voice wasn't loud but it was stern. "After what happened..."

Before Natasha could hear more, a voice called from down the hall. "Ms. Romanoff!"

Natasha froze and it sounded as if Steve and Bruce did too as they went silent. Natasha quickly made her way up the hall toward Dr. Vaughn who then lead her toward her office.

"Well, Ms.Romanoff, from what I can see your in pretty good health," began the doctor as she sat down at her desk. "Bruce told me about some of what you faced coming back. The outbursts of pain sounded a little strange but being off balance, fatigued, and weak sound like regular space travel related health issues. I don't see anything that would indicate an underlying cause for the pain so perhaps it is more psychological. Being alone in space can be scary and I'm no psychologist but you might have manifested that fear through pain. I would still take it easy for a while and when you can maybe get back on an exercise plan. It will help restrengthen your bones and muscles. If you still experience any issues you can always come back and we can do more tests but in my opinion I think you should be back to normal in a week or two."

Natasha nodded, mostly listening but also keeping her eye on the door. What had Steve and Bruce been talking about? It sounded like something was wrong, something serious. Not knowing what was going to happen...to hear that from a genius like Bruce... And why had he been telling all this to Steve? Was he going to relay it to Clint? What was so wrong that they couldn't tell _her_? "Um, Dr. Vaughn?"

"Yes, Ms. Romanoff?"

"Do you have the results of my radiation testing?"

Dr. Vaughn shook her head. "No, that's Dr. Banner's area. Though I didn't see anything that indicated overexposure but I mean our tests wouldn't unless you had already developed like a tumor or something. I'm sure if it was serious, Dr. Banner would have told you immediately."

Natasha stared back at the door. "Yeah, you're right."

***

The ride home was extra quiet, an uncomfortable quiet. Natasha couldn't stop her thoughts from running back to Bruce's words. She just kept running them over and over and over again in her head that she barely registered when Steve finally spoke. "We're back. Natasha?"

Natasha snapped back to reality and looked around. Steve was staring at her concerned but she didn't want to talk to him. Part of her had hoped he would say something on the way home since Bruce hadn't said anything to her before they left but he hadn't and for some reason that stung. She honestly wasn't sure why but it did; it was as if he'd violated some life-long trust or something.

_Which is absurd. He doesn't know you well enough to share tough information. He's probably supposed to tell Clint and then Clint might break it to you best. That's it. Just be prepared for Clint._

"I'm going to shower." Without waiting for a response Natasha hopped out of the truck and made her way to the guest house. She grabbed her robe and entered the bathroom just as Steve opened the front door.

She leaned against the door for a moment taking a deep breath. Now would be a perfect time to just relax and let her mind rest from the day. She stripped off her clothes and turned on the water. She waited until the steam began to fill the room before stepping in.

The hot water felt good against her skin and she turned around to let it run down her hair and face. The rhythmic beating of it against the shower floor was soothing and Natasha closed her eyes as she listened to it.

_Cancer._

Natasha froze. Suddenly, the hot water felt like it was burning her.

_Poisoning._

The rhythmic beating was now a pounding in her ears.

_Die._

Natasha felt all the strength in her legs give out. She hit the porcelain floor but her mind didn't register the pain. She mindlessly watched the water swirl down the drain as she sat there, unmoving.

Natasha never feared pain, never feared death. She'd had been beaten, battered, and bruised in just about every way imaginable. So long as she could take out the source of her pain then there was nothing to fear. If she couldn't, well, she'd resigned herself to a death in the field long ago.

Now it was different though. Because the source of her pain was something she couldn't destory: her own body. 

Maybe it was because they made sure to make their bodies weapons in the Red Room that Natasha's never thought about anything ever happening to hers. But now...the thought of dying through a sickness...through something she couldn't see, couldn't fight...

Part of Natasha wanted to scream, to beat her fists against the floor, to let the universe know it couldn't defeat her. However, that part didn't win. The other part did: the one that just wanted to sit there as the water cascaded down her back and cry.

She began to shed tears about the same moment that the door flung open. She looked up and saw Steve standing there. The look in his eyes was frantic, worried. Natasha knew that she should cover herself up but then she realized it didn't matter. Because his eyes never broke from hers to wander over her. He just kept staring her squarely in the face.

That jump in her heart returned because, well, there are few men in the world who wouldn't take advantage of this situation but he didn't. He didn't move out of the room but he didn't move closer to her either. "I thought I heard a fall. Are you okay?"

She wanted to say 'yes', wanted to smirk and joke about him wanting an excuse to see her naked. She wanted to stand up and say she's never felt better and watch a blush rise to his cheeks. She wanted to do these things but she didn't. She simply shook her head and said, "No."

Steve approached her now but still stayed locked with her eyes. "Can you stand up?"

Natasha nodded. "I think so."

By now he was at the edge of the tub. He shut the water off and then held his hand out to her. Natasha stared at it for just a moment. Taking it now meant that not only was Natasha admitting she needed help but that she trusted him to help her. Both were big deals for Natasha; admitting either had never come easy to her. Yet with him it had since the beginning.

Natasha didn't believe in fate but she did believe that he was in her life for a reason and that any feelings she might be developing weren't just from her loneliness. There was a connection between them, one unlike any Natasha had before.

She grabbed his hand.

He gently pulled her up to stand on shaky legs. He was still holding one hand as he reached over and grabbed her robe from the hook. "Here you go," he began as he helped slip her arms into it. She let him go as she tied it around herself.

She started to step out of the tub but her body was still weak and she ended up stumbling into him. He caught her with ease, his arms wrapping around her. She looked up at him again. He didn't say anything as he gently lifted her off the ground, bridal style. She was suddenly reminded of The Bodyguard's poster.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and let him carry her to her bed. He sat her down on the edge of it then made his way over to her counter. She was confused at first but then he returned with her brush in hand and sat down behind her.

As he grabbed her hair and began brushing, he talked. "My dad would brush my mother's hair when she was too sick to. She always said having it brushed made her feel better. After he died, I did it for her until she got sick and died."

"Was she...scared when she got sick?"

She felt it was probably too personal a question but asked anyway. He didn't mind. "No, she always felt it was all part of God's plan. Plus she had us around to take care of her. It's the same reason I was never afraid when I got sick. I had them around."

Natasha turned her head around to look at him, running her eyes up and down. "Wouldn't imagine you sick a lot."

He grinned. "I was actually a very sickly kid. Scrawny too."

She let out a laugh. "I'd love to see that."

It got quiet again as they stared at each other. He then reached out and tucked some hair behind her ear. "You're going to get better Natasha. We'll make sure of it."

She stared into his blue eyes and saw only honesty in them. Maybe whatever Bruce had told him...maybe she didn't need to know about it. Because if she did, she trusted him to have told her. "I know."

Steve gave her one more smile before making his way off the bed. Before he could move though she grabbed his wrist. He seems surprised by the action, almost as surprised as she was. He looked at her, wondering what she was going to do. She took a deep breath then said what had being running through her mind.

"Will you stay in here tonight? In case something happens?"

He moved his wrist from her grasp and replaced it with his hand. He then gave hers a squeeze.

"Of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time we get another chapter from Steve's point of view. Thank you to everyone for comments or leaves kudos. It's much appreciated and I had tried to reply to all but then fell behind and so I just wanted to give my thanks to everyone here. Enjoy! =D


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